Funny Status Messages

   Witnesses says that Gaetz acted like a party frat boy. I wonder which frat hose he belonged to? Imma tappa minor?

   There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

   As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

   If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

   It's scary when the weatherman is the closest one on the news now to telling the truth now.

   The Sopranos would've been better without Carmela, Carmela's parents, Meadow, Meadow's friends and Jean Cusamano.

   “Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

   Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

   My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

   PRO TIP: Not resisting arrest greatly reduces your chances of being sh●t by 100%.

   There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

   Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

   The receipts are out. How can Gaetz be this dumb?

   can whoever turned off the bermuda triangle please turn it back on again thanks

   Just because you are vaccinated doesn’t mean you can now wear Axe Body Spray.

   I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

   The check engine light came on inside my oven.

   Youth Soccer: $75 to watch your kid pick dandelions.

   I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

   I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed