Funny Status Messages

   How to tell if someone is fully vaccinated? Scan their chip.

   Now trading toilet paper for gasoline.

   Are there any voters who still think electing Biden was a good thing?

   Women aren't panicking about the gas shortage...they've been riding around on E all the time.

   Does Jimmy Biden or Joe Carter have the better ring to it?

   Whenever someone says, “A word to the wise,” I assume it to be my dismissal from the conversation.

   You reach an age when you become very critical about people parking near your house.

   Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

   When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

   The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

   Someone once told me "you'll never gonna forget me". I don't remember who that was.

   Whoever believes in that bamboo-laced China ballots, which was flown here story, please let me know? I just want to know who to laugh at.

   I messaged a woman that I was madly in love with her. Then I rubbed one out. Now I kinda just like her.

   Someone threw a bottle of Mayo at me...I was like "What the Hellmann"...!!!

   Which vaccine is the one with extra microchips in it? Cuz I wanna be able to control my appliances with my mind.

   just got my 6th Pfizer shot and now I can see 15 seconds into the future

   I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

   Wife: Your problem is your incompetence Me: I can hold my pee just fine

   I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

   A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.