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I joined the Adopt-a-Highway program, I got the road to now where.... 
before the letters FDNY became a fashion statement on hats, it was worn on the back of brave dudes with mustaches, NEVER FORGET 9/11
Pubs are not a good place to bring your kids. That's why I lock mine in the car.
I propose a rule where girls under 18 must wear a big red tag with their age in bold print...especially in warmer months.
Does anyone else worry that when you doodle, youll accidently scrawl an arcane symbol in a dead language and summon a demon from the netherworld? No? Just me then..
"All gave some, and some gave all" Remember 9/11......
Dear Lord please help me be strong enough not to share my political views on Facebook so I do not offend half the people I know. Amen. There I said it. Go Broncos!!!!
Self esteem doesn't come from a bottle. Of course not, you pour it into a glass.
Kim Kardashian says her divorce was like beating cancer. In archived footage, Kim can be seen beating and blowing a 12 inch cancer.
I don't always eat breakfast naked, but when I do, I get escorted out of IHOP really quickly......
Women who are addicted to sex are called 'nymphomaniacs', while men who are addicted to sex are called 'men.
I'll believe self-help books work when I see a bunch of them on a sane person's bookshelf.
I'm writing a thanksgiving cookbook called "50 shades of gravy."
I take some pride in the fact that I don't need football season to be a terrible husband.
It's fun to go up to a dude with a teardrop tattoo and call him a crybaby.
This one time at band camp.... I put a flute in its proper storage compartment.
Dating a single mother is like continuing on from somebody else's saved game.
Just heard that Janet Jackson and Randy Travis are doing the Super Bowl halftime show..
The brain has around 100 billion neurons in it. Makes you think
"Fix You". One of my favourite Coldplay songs. Please don't sing it tonight though! 