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First time on a roller coaster. Final Destination. 
i pirate so many songs & movies that I should download a boat
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this "I know you're high" look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Please don't hesitate if you want to contact me so I can ignore you.
Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who's giving them medical attention?
I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.
Dear Bad Luck ….. Let's break up.
You know what's really beautiful about a beautiful day? ALCOHOL!
Quick, die! I'll explain later.
Men brag about going to the gym to let everyone know they've got a six pack. Women brag about going to the gym to let everyone know they're losing weight
How in the hell do Chinese people see when they're high?
I told her dried semen was a lot easier to get out than fresh but she still wanted a towel...well I guess it was in her eyes.
Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't even know what's going to happen.
Man: What would you do if I win the lotto? Wife: I will take half and leave you! Man: Here is your $7 now F off
Pu$$y is the most expensive food in the world. And sometimes you pay and still you don't eat.
Be with someone you hide nothing from.
Google is defiently female, because it has an answer for everything!
Before lying to me, ask yourself this: when was the last time an ax was held over my head?
Those dudes who enter air guitar competitions must get mad air pu$$y.
My wife said "Good morning " and that's how the fight started. 