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our brain is divided into 2 parts (i.e) left and right...there's nothing right at the left side and nothing left in the right side... 
have you ever logged on to do a 5 min project on-line and 3 hours later you are kinda suicidal ?
Whenever I meetr somebody who has a kid, they have to show me a photo of their kid. But then when I show them a photo of me to show to their kid, I am weird.
I never knew Charlie Sheen drank, until I saw him sober once.
I will never understand deer....napping beside the highway. Very dangerous!
Seems Taylor Swift is dating a Kennedy. Let's hope she owns a life jacket. :-/
If you're in line at the grocery store with your new iPhone5 and you pull out food stamps, don't be surprised when I slap that phone out of your hand.
I accidentally bumped into my ex today... with my car... at 60mph... on purpose.
If you say "Swag" or YOLO" I probably hate you.
I don't know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.
Yay! I can now afford the iPhone 4!
Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.
X is I'm a good boyfriend..I always talk to her, play with her, touch her buttons...I definitely turn her on... I love you Xbox.
makes a mean cup of coffee! This one just told me I'm not as funny as I think I am.
The side effects of the medicine I just took include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.
wqhen the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie....you're a clumsy astronaut
dear State Farm, the only thing worse than your commercials is your insurance...
Its hard to soar like an eagle when ur running around with turkeys
BREAKING: Sarah Jessica Parker has posed nude for Playboy - Millions of erections are feared dead.
Excuse me guys, is cocaine healthy if it's in a salad with low fat dressing? 