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wasn't Fellatio one of the Three Musketeers? 
the best way to end up divorced...get married.
Marriage, or as I like to call it...grim death!
The person that thinks they're always right is the one person you want to be always wrong
On the advice of my attorney, I plead the 5th on EXACTLY what I did for a Klondike Bar.
sometimes when people are talking to me I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them right in the face
If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I'm going to retire and live off my savings. What I'll do the second day, I have no idea.
Drank like 3 Four Lokos and some hand sanitizer last night, blacked out and apparently officiated a Monday Night Football game.
If you're in line, and the person in front of you doesn't notice the line moving, how soon can you shove them before it's considered rude?
My homeless Sign would be... "Why live in a 1 million dollar house, when you could live under a 30 million dollar bridge"
My Homeless sign would say: "Ninjas killed my family! Need money for kung-fu lessons!"
Aww...no, sweetheart. Don't worry. When he calls those other girls "angel" he doesn't mean it. Only with you.
The only way that I would ever be able to wake up on time in the morning is if I had a butler who set my comforter on fire every morning.
OH Muh GAH....that d@mn commercial has got me in it's clutches!! I go around singing "I GOT 2 TICKETS TO PARADISE....."
40 oz. to freedom? HA! I am going to need at least 80.
My Homeless Sign Would Say "I Bet You $10 That You'll Read This"
What do you call a girl who is being a total b itch on her period? You don't. You text her from the movies and tell her you had to work late
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn't Nintendo.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff. 