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Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow. 
Teacher: Come on! You learned this in 3rd grade! Me: I don't even remember what I ate for breakfast...
Old girlfriend sent me a text saying "I miss you" so I replied "We're sorry, but the subscriber you are trying to reach does not care"
I bet even Tony Romo's throw pillows end up on the wrong couch.
I saw a sign advertising KFC that said, "There's only one chicken worth eating." So I rushed to KFC and ordered chicken. Just my luck, somebody had already gotten the one worth eating.
Made a voodoo doll of myself and sucked its d!ck. Now I wait.....
Justin Bieber puked on stage. It was the best thing to ever come out of his mouth in a concert.
[ ] Democratic party [ ] Republican party [x] Pizza party
FACT: Friendships with coworkers are based on a mutual hatred for your jobs
She is so ugly, how does she have a boyfriend? Maybe she has an amazing personality and her boyfriend isnt a judgemental cu$t like you..
You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans
When I'm in the shower I let the water run down my arms so it looks like I'm shooting water out of my fingertips
My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster
Never forget to love your family.. because when everyone is in and out of your life, family is always there
I wonder if they had put "Osama bin Laden gave his Life to Christ at a Early Age.." on his Obituary like they do other Criminals?
I can't understand half the things bilingual people say.
asked the good folks a the pizza hut to NOT slice my pizza, my diet only allows for one piece!!
So there's a t.v. show called, It's Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted
I wish he had a heart so I could break it!! Stupid MF
not hiding in the closet eating cupcakes....nom..nom nom 