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"Where the hell are all the moths coming from?" -- Thomas Edison 1879 
OK. What genius decided to call it the "Jab" and not the "Hokey Pokey"?
I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the third time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day.
When I was a kid, the term "gaslighting" didn't involve playing mind games. It involved a Bic lighter and farting.
If drugs aren't allowed in sports then why is makeup allowed in beauty contests?
rony: In some places you’ll have to take the vaccine in order to watch the new Matrix movie coming out.
Gender is like the Twin Towers. There used to be two of them but now it is a very sensitive subject.
Anybody on Meth need a job??? I'm opening a haunted house soon & I need zombies
There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed
Joined a gym today it had one machine that did everything: twix, mars and snickers, milk way, Doritos.
I've been on and off the wagon so many times, I feel like a Wild West hooker working her way back to California.
I have a name for the govt. agents that go door-to-door checking to see if you have been vaccinated: Ja-COVID Witnesses.
I made a playlist for when I go hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it Trail Mix.
Jesus walks into a bar: Orders 12 waters... Winks at disciples....
A new study says you shouldn't believe everything you read on Facebook that starts out by saying a new study says.
I want to thank my trusted speech writers: Ctrl-C and Ctrl-V.
FACT: If you said “all of my music is in the cloud” in the 1960s, it was due to mushrooms, not Apple.
Driving 32 miles to buy the same apples I could get 50% cheaper at the local grocery store 1 mile from my place is the reason why I absolutely love Autumn.
The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?
Toughest job I ever had was as a door to door salesman, selling doors. Every time I knocked, I thought, “Screw it, they’ve already got one.” 