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What is this Gangnam stle everyone is going on about? And can I use it in the bedroom? 
Never mistake my silence for weakness. Always remember, no smart person plans a murder out loud.
Tom cruise is going to leave Scientology? Will he take the Bullet or the beating- or the massage from john travolta?
Never treat someone like an iPhone when they treat you like a BlackBerry.
I think it's sick joke that companies are selling calendars for 2013. Anything to make a buck.
""when I was a kid, I was terrified of ear wigs cause I thought they came outta your ears. just imagine when I found out about cockroaches!""
Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese , virgin = too good , non-virgin = slut , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. You can never please society
It's amazing how everyone is suddenly a political genius one month every 4 years
There is this new awesome technology to do group chats... It's called "put your damn phone away and join the conversation!"
Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles
Hey bartender! I spilt my beer in my mouth, can I get another??
Glad Facebook knocks me off for "Routine Maintenance"... said by no-one, ever!!
I need to wash this beer down with another beer
You know your getting fat when you go to unbotton your pants...and it already done
She hit the brakes and I hit her, and this beautiful blond gets out and says "Ram me in the a$$ why don't you"! And here your honor is were it gets confusing
Old Yeller's a book? All this time I thought it was my brother tooth...
You know how to make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!!
My neighbor came knocking at my door at 2:30 this morning...can you believe that, 2:30 A.M. mad me so mad,,lucky for him I was still up playing my drums!!!
I have no idea what anyone means when they describe the weather as 'crisp'. If you're going to use the word 'crisp', you really should be talking about bacon.
Age is just a number… yeah, and jail is just a room. 