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Of all my girlfriends' family, Aunt Flow is both my favorite and least favorite visitor… 
Solving crimes was a lot easier 30 years ago. All you had to do was ask Huggy Bear who did it…
Ladies, it's common courtesy to let a guy know you're on your period before replying 'yes' to that "Lets chill" text.
Pet peeve: Toilets that flush for me the moment I stand up. I'd like to see the work I've done before it is instantly taken away from me.
Instead of 3 debates, the presidential candidates should be on Jeopardy, Are you smarter than a 3rd grader, and American Gladiators to determine who gets my vote.
Alcohol does kill brain cells. As a kid I could name all the dinosaurs. Now I can name maybe three, and I'm not even sure armadillos count.
I'll push your face into the shower wall as romantic as possible.
But Mom! The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too!
I tell ya what, I bought a toilet brush a couple weeks back, and I'll never go back to paper.
Dear, Android. Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones... You piece of Shut.
I printed your status on toilet paper so I can wipe my ass with it.
You wouldn't believe how long it took me to post this from my new Progresso phone can!
Why do people say ''I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
'Put that down you fat piece of sh*t' - the title of the dieting book I'm writing.
My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing...
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn't matter what. I just need something to drink to.
If me and you are ever in an argument and it becomes obvious that I am clearly wrong.... plz don't gloat.... just ask the guy with the eye patch!
Hey ladies, tired of your boyfriend complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
Cardinal Baseball song of the night: " I left my ̶̶H̶̶e̶̶a̶̶r̶̶t̶̶ Ass in San Francisco"
I have a blind date and I keep having people tell me to just be myself. Are you kidding me? Have you read my FB post? 