Funny Status Messages

   Dirty talk, but you both use your customer service voice.

   If it isn't broken, fix it until it is. 🛠

   If I had an Australian Accent, I would never shut up.

   Time to hit the sack. After that, I’ll probably just go to bed.

   "Where the hell are all these moths coming from?" -Thomas Edison

   Neil Diamond's real name is... Neil Diamond. Grace Slick's real name is... Grace Slick. Engelbert Humperdinck's real name is... Arnold Dorsey. I think about this a lot.

   Glass coffins, will they be popular? Remains to be seen.

   Amber Alert!! White Male, 70-something yrs old, acts like a 10-year old child, has a stripper for a wife, thinks he won the 2020 election.

   Technically, it's a Silver Alert. But yeah.

   Biden created the most heavily armed terrorist nation in history.

   I am whipped today.....My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

   Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

   million dollar idea: worm dehorser

   My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2021. I’m already at $8.32

   Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

   When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

   My milk crates bring all the boys to the yard, and they’re like “somebody call an ambulance!”.

   me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

   Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

   I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.