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When I fall asleep watching a movie, why do people even ask me, "Are you sleeping?" Goddamit Captain Obvious! Isn't the drool a clear indication? 
If you're happy and you know it slap your face.
I'm just being myself. Who the hell are you being?
I like how people hate Rush Limbaugh, but like all his quotes....
We do not need psychologist anymore... Just ask: Did you google it? then What do you think?
To many Generals are taking orders from their privates
With talk of Puerto Rico becoming the next state, we should consider adding three states. Since 53 is a prime number, we would be "one nation, indivisible".
creating a petition to deport those signing the petition to secede from the United States...and send them to Mexico! GOOD RIDDANCE!
My Doctor reckons heavy drinking, eating unhealthy foods and obesity stop you having children. Bollocks - try telling that to guests on the Jeremy Kyle show!
30 years later and I Still don't want to clean my room...
I'm wondering if my mail order bride from the middle east comes with a bang?
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to....unless you're sleeping next to Elmo.
DO NOT tickle me, Elmo!
Google a boy or a girl? Obviously a girl because it won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Last night I found an actual cricket in my bed. Oh the irony!
I'm starting to think that all those hours in school when I practiced writing my autograph was just a waste of time.....
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Accidentally wore a red shirt & khaki pants to Target today &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them 