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Being a man is great until you hear a noise late at night and realize you are the one that has to go investigate... 
30 Days Of Gratitude: Day 14: You're all welcome. (Am I doing it right?)
My girlfriend does this awesome trick with a cherry stem in her mouth. She doesn't talk for about 7 minutes.
To the people who have birthdays this week... your parents sure know how to celebrate Valentine's Day!
There needs to be a new traffic light color. Something like blue that means "Hey, stop texting. The light's about to turn Green."
The moment when your sense of smell kicks in is the exact same time that hearing the dog fart stops being funny.
I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food... I dont even know where sandwiches live!
I remember when Santa said I was to old to sit on his lap. Well that was last year, this year I am wearing a disguise.
Only 16 more days for December to Remember that, no one loves you enough to buy you a Lexus.
Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity...
Kids hate it when they open their new toy only to find out that batteries are not included. So do women.
Siri is the only form of intelligent communication I've talked to on my phone since October 4, 2011.
2005 Batman Begins / Obama sworn in senate 2008 Dark Knight / Obama elected as president 2012 Dark Knight Rises / Obama re-elected Maybe Batman is actually...
Every time traffic policemen stops me they ask if I have drunk anything. But no one ever asked me if I had eaten anything.
It's really funny to see a cat fall off a bed, til it grabs your leg.
its gotten so bad around here, someone is trying to start a Macarena dance....
Drawback to having really long hair: Just pulled what looks like that thing from The Grudge out of our bathtub drain.
Either you suck at spelling or you own an iPhone or both kid.
People say Alcohol kills too many people. They don't realize how's my people are born because of it.
Don't ever question my loyalty because you'll scare it away forever. 