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I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long! 
Sometimes I screw up intentionally just so I can say, “You were right dear” B itches love hearing “You were right dear”
I've done a lot of stuff to see beautiful women naked....but Twitter has got to be the most labor intensive
Part of the reason I'm entertained by things that my girlfriend hates is because my girlfriend hates them.
If I was black I wouldn't buy Band-Aids til they made them in my skin color, just sayin.
Question: if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie apocalypse problem?
I'm really sorry LMFAO, I'm gonna have to start shuffling every other day. The soles of my shoes are wearing out too quickly.
i'm looking for the type of girl I can close my eyes and wish for every time its 11:11 and then open my eyes and see the most beautiful sandwich
Single and failing to mingle.
Nothing better than starting the morning with a workout. And by workout, I mean sex.
If it doesn't add value, subtract that shi t.
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
Don't you ever forget who paved that lane you're in.
I'd only consider running at night because frankly I'd rather be found dead in a ditch than have anybody see me running.
If you're helping me move and I ask you to move the box that's completely taped shut you're holding the box with all my vibrat0rs in it.
The biggest mistake of my life is that I said yes, when I meant to say no.
cinco de mayo is not Mexico's Independence Day! retard!
You know that moment when you look into your girlfriend's eyes and know exactly what she is thinking? ...well could you tell me what that is like because I have no idea what the hell is in her brain.
I really wanted to tell someone how much I appreciated them but then I realized cake had no ears :(
You Mexican people and your crazy customs, what does a sink full of mayonnaise have to do with independence? 