Funny Status Messages

   Damn, I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   Some people say I'm missing a few screws. Truth is I lost the whole toolbox.

   70 % of the World is water, none of it carbonated, therefore the Earth is flat.

   I miss the days when Иiggers knew their place.

   Listen, baby, I can deal with the herpes, the gluten intolerance, and the irritable bowel syndrome. But I will not date someone who listens to music through their phone's speaker.

   my emotional support animal is a chicken. Four piece with a biscuit.

   My neighbor lady has been married so many times she has rice marks on her face..

   But... Crazy people have more fun.

   did not wake up this morning. I came to.

   what would happen if you're scared half to death twice

   As a Social Networking Expert, I have evaluated your social media activity and your status updates. My conclusion: You're all crazy.

   I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak. (another great post by Gary K.

   Do you suppose Ghosts believe in People??

   Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from all women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

   thinks that Facebook is like a college dormitory. No matter the hour, there's always someone up. Also, someone is drunk.

   Not going to happen! I'm the king of lame comedy and I love it!

   You are one big kunt.

   GaryKoenig, please stop with horrible jokes. You're the lamest asshole on social media.

   6 am too early to drink

   TSA is no longer going to use that scanner that shows passengers in the nude. They made an executive decision Today after the View Cast boarded a flight at LAX.