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A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette and exploded. What in the hell do they put in butterflies? 
Thinking with your Boehner: We'll punish the bottom 97% of small businesses to give the top 3% help they don't need
Just once I'd like to wake up as eager to start the day as my p enis is.
God, grant me serenity to accept that most people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I'm hostile and the wisdom to realize murder is illegal.
Old people can sleep through anything. Betting this chainsaw says differently.
If we're side by side in bed and I can't keep my eyes off you, it means I'm really in love, or I'm gonna' slit your throat while you sleep.
If you ask if I want my beer in a glass, I will punch you in the face for wasting valuable booze time with ridiculous questions.
I booked into a hotel last night. I said to the receptionist, I hope the porn channel is disabled? She said "NO" it's regular porn you sicko.
Why do I have a feeling that the people who correct the spelling and punctuation on Facebook posts are the same ones who got bullied a lot in school?
I think I have Bieber fever. That's when a Justin Bieber song comes on the radio and you start throwing up and stabbing yourself right?
If schools were supposed to prepare us for the adult world, we should've had a subject called "How to get away with murder".
I never trust anyone with my phone. I mean they might tweet something inspirational and that's a risk I'm not willing to take.
If you're ugly and you know it, put some makeup on, take a picture and add some Instagram filters and you're good to go.
Scientists says the world is made of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons.... I think they forgot to mention Morons
My coffee is so black it just rapped the lyrics of a Snoop Dogg song.
Hey everyone, I just created a new game at the gym. You go up to a big body-builder, ask him if he wears a bra and wake up at the hospital.
I never think about eating healthier but when I do, it's while I'm eating junk food.
If Adele doesn't open a Sushi restaurant called "Rolling in the sea" then seriously, what's she even doing?
People with "KEEP OUT" signs in their yard grossly overestimate our desire to come visit them.
It's December! I guess it's time to pretend I'm putting up the Christmas lights... that I never took down from last year 