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When someone yells "Shotgun!" I yell "Rosa Parks!" sit down and refuse to move. 
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they're stabbing it? No? How about now?
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Roman Numerals? What are they good IV? Absolutely nothing..
My father is always advising me to find a girl who has the same belief of me as the family does, and then marry her. Why would I want to marry a girl who thinks I'm an idiot?
When I die, I want my tombstone to have an iPad built into it. So all my friends and family can write on my wall.
I would of had a better comeback but I left the come back in your mother
So hockey is back, now is time for the fans to go on strike
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not? ツ
As a kid if a boy liked a girl he'd poke her, call her dirty names & pull hair until she cried. Odd, as an adult girls beg guys to do that.
If she looks beautiful even when she's mad, you're screwed.
I had a minute left on the car vac timer, so I vacuumed out my dandruff. If that isn't efficiency, I don't know what is.
I lose a lot of arguments just so I can go back to my nap.
I am ugly but not "use a a celebrity pic for my profile pic" ugly.
How to have a successful relationship - Don't mention your EX every other minute.
Roses are red violets are blue, porn hub is down. So your mother's Facebook will do
whenever I run I play Avici pandora in my pocket and pretend I'm running to Pacha
Well, it's looks like a, 'brush my teeth on my shirt sleeve and head to Walmart' kinda day ツ
found out through fb hockey is back... I never knew it was gone
Two things some people can't live without, God and the internet, are everywhere and all-knowing. But only one of them gives you naked woman anytime you want. 