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Every time a man makes a poor decision a woman will be there to remind him about it. 
Error 404: Virginity not found!
Let's run away together... to my bedroom.
I wonder when my phone will start listing them as ignored calls instead of missed calls.
Home Alone! Expectation: Party! Party! Reality: Peeing with the door open.
If I don't mention you, then the status wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace it up and wear it.
Me: Can you believe that after all that crap they're still together!?! Friend: Who ? Me: My buttcheeks
Eighteen is too young to get married! You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your damn marriage work?
If I hear one more time " Liz meet Brad " on You Tube, I am going to star engineering the electricals.
Even at 50 years old, I can still turn a lot of heads. It's mostly to see where the smell is coming from though ツ
i have no friends because everyone is in love with me!
when I'm with you I hate you but when I'm not with you I miss you
My procrastinators club is getting restless....they think we should start thinking about thinking about maybe meeting.... I think they are too ambitious to be in my club.......
I love my new phone. I can now undate my status while crossing the stre
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best," which would include; projectile diarrhea, pantless Sunday and 'fix me a sammich woman'! Yeah, that's my 'best' ツ
Do you the only thing worse than a Patriot fan?.........Two Patriot fans!
Okay...we've seen the 900 pics of your band. Now show us the the three people in your audience.
I'm a heavy sleeper... Also, a heavy awaker... Okay, I'm fat.
I don't care if saying this hurts my reputation:..... The Westboro Baptist Church's tactics are not the best.
I hope everyone that clicks on these “like if you hate cancer” posts get cancer. OK, not really, but I hope they stub their toe… 