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".. So he sayeth unto me 'Taketh NyQuil with the Wine and Ye shall feel the path with your thoughts and hear things with your vision.'" 
You mean you guys don't write for TV sitcoms either?
"Hold on, I look like S H I T." {grabs Chanel bag}, "OK, better...Let's go" - Some hood rat chick
I'm not pressing S H I T for English!!!!!
this girl I went out with must be really strong. She said once she got drunk in college and pulled a train...
Dear apartment next door, you can either have an infant or a puppy, kill one.
got diagnosed with 12 different mental disorders. my day in a nutshell
If Lance Armstrong and Oprah was ever to have a baby they would name it Dope-rah
Wouldn't it be great to hear a priest say "been there, done that" in reply to your confessed sins?
I hate when people only talk to me when they need something.
why do people post a pic of every meal that they eat? no one cares...
Found a gray nose hair. Transformation to Gandalf: 1% complete.
Lebron better than Jordan? Ha! Yeah right. Holla at me when Lebron saves the looney tunes from an alien race.
Say what you want about Lance Armstrong, buy I'm proud of him to finally having the ball to come clean.
I don't know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
This is your ass (_._) This is your ass in prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of Lay's potato chips.
Truthfully, my resume should state,, "when I feel like it" after every skill listed.
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff...
Let's put Congress in front of Oprah... 