Funny Status Messages

   Ladies, if you can't handle me when I'm broke, you don't deserve me when I get my monthly check of $600.

   The best gift of all, is freedom and health. Merry Christmas

   At the bar last night, some woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me. On a related note, I suck at Darts.

   Everyone's an atheist until they clog the toilet in someone else's house.

   I'm so old that my pronouns are Thee and Thou.

   YoutubeTV, we will settle for $15 credit, instead of $20. BUT you must take CNN with you.

   I think Christmas is cats favorite holiday. A big tree to climb on complete with all kinds of things that you can whap onto the floor.

   I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

   As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

   Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

   "Love is finishing each other's sentences” - Jeffrey Epstein & Ghislaine Maxwell :)

   The current Employee shortage is so bad that Long Haired Freaky People can now apply.

   BREAKING NEWS: no paper towels were thrown by a president in a disaster area today.

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide.

   I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

   Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

   big chungus edp sans fortnite funny big chungus mr krabs youtube channel

   Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

   I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

   Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.