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I wonder why a lot of women are walking funny today? 
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it...
In a relationship with Russell Stover
50 cents was cheaper. Then building a Tupac hologram.
I'm working a double shift tomorrow at a restaurant lounge. Since it'll be Valentine's Day, I'm putting a fake engagement ring in every woman's drink who's there with a date.
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it...
Let her you care by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.
My dream funeral would include me bring buried, wrapped in the confederate flag. Can't get more patriotic than that.
Marijuana causes procrastination ,I'm convinced of it .
You suddenly realize that you're all grown up that moment when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge.
The good news regarding climate change: It'll eventually kiII off the Winter Olympics.
I wonder if taking folders from the White House, marked "top secret" and hiding them at your home is a bad thing?
2 for the price of 1 "Your the only one for me" Valentine day cards just seems wrong, all wrong.
The Gazpacho Police sounds tasty.
Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their stuff...
Rumor has it that the staff at Mar-a-Lago caught Melania trying to flush her prenup down the toilet too.
When you can't defend, dodge. When you can't dodge, deny. When you can't deny, deflect. When you can't deflect, distort. When you can't distort, dissemble. When you can't dissemble, distract. When none of that works, change the subject.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
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