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I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears. 
Well I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I cheated on my husband twice, now I want to lecture you about family values.
Why isn't anyone using the "Truth social" media platform?
playing genshin impact
Just for fun, everybody post a picture of your moustache. Get your husbands to join in too.
Life hack: Hung over at work? Set up a ladder and take a nap at the bottom. If you’re caught, you can claim that you fell and got knocked out.
Maybe your final stage of healing is telling people to f*!k off.
Apologize when you’re wrong. Stop looking for quotes that support your stupidity.
There is sex without love, and there is love without sex. Then there is you, without both.
No matter how good your heart is, eventually you start to treat people the way that they treat you.
Before social media, you could just forget that someone completely existed. Good times.
Advise of the day: Stop having relationship problems with someone that you’re not in a relationship with.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Happiness comes from food, not relationships.
I’m a well-rounded friend, I’m down for whatever. Coffee date, protesting corruption, gym sesh, bible study, busting a cheater, shooting range, just call me.
If you wake up in the yard with no clothes on and you can't remember anything that happened, you are either a werewolf or you're in college. 