Funny Status Messages

   These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

   dotn dirnk and udpate Fistbook statass!

   I just choked on a carrot and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn't have done this to me."

   Please Ask your doctor if medical advice from a commercial is right for you.

   I'm Starting to think my job only wants me for my labor

   If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for a Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

   My generation grew up looking for frogs and stuff. Your generation grew up looking for a WiFi signal. We are not the same.

   I strongly believe voting should be free and fair....only if the voters are white, cis, straight, Christian and super-duper ultra right wing.

   I identify as a threat. My pronouns are Try / Me.

   Sometimes I wish I could be a load of laundry in my dryer so I could sit in a dark quiet place and everyone would ignore me for a week.

   I can't wait for 'Truth Social' to become bigger than Twitter.

   Apparently it is rude to poke someone in the forehead and say "Skip intro" when they start talking to you.

   To everyone who wrote "Stay Cool" in my middle school yearbook, I have some devastating news.

   What do you say to someone with a black eye? Nothing, they’ve already been told.

   Almost forgot the internet has porn.

   Smell that? Time for Joe’s diaper change.

   The best response is always followed by a saucy wink.

   Kamala chases more balls than a puppy.

   Joe looks like Nancy’s vagina.

   If I say I’ll be there in a few minutes, stop calling me every hour.