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Kicking open the bathroom stall at work after eating 4 jalapeno cheddar taquitos from the Exon Mobil gas station on my lunch break. 
When she tries to pull your pants down on the first date.
Her: how could you sleep with her!? Him: uh, she’s hot? Her: You didn’t think about me in any of this? Him: I thought about you the whole time so I wouldn’t nut early.
Girls in 2012: touch my butt and buy me pizza. Girls in 2022: choke me and hit me with your car.
Dear social media platform, it’s not your job to fact check our posts. You’re a platform, not a publisher.
T-Rex shares gender reveal party with friends, Yucatan Peninsula 66 million years ago.
Duck cluck
Hold up ladies and gentle fellows, a delicate genius is about to trill us with his daily regurgitative diatribe.
Doctor: Says here you get offended by strangers on the internet. I’m writing you a prescription for two testicles.
Happiness ~ is a cabin on 800 acres, 3 lakes, two mountains and no neighbors.
I know it was months ago, but I still don’t like how you all acted over toilet paper.
The .50 caliber handgun, when there’s a burglar behind a refrigerator at your neighbor’s house.
Busch beer came out with a bone broth beer for dogs. I’m in!
If you don’t have time to pull over and fight, don’t honk your horn at me.
Certified freak seven days a week…. Wet a** opossum just walking down the street.
Movie Theater: No outside food or drinks. Me: Burger King Whopper and fries jammed in my coat pocket.
Look son, rioters, arsonists and looters are here to teach us about peace and equality.
Don't honk at me asshole, I'm not on my phone. I missed the light change because I was trying to get that last french fry at the bottom of the box. 🍟 😒
If one went to ISIS controlled Iraq as a missionary to convert them to Christianity, would you be executed for blasphemy? Or, would you get your hand cut off for stealing..
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my 20's 