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I play this awesome drinking game where I take a shot at every red light...and this is why I'm not allowed to adopt children. 
Oh me? Just sitting around the office explaining Facebook to my Boss...... If anybody asks it's $49.99 to join & I discuss a lot of DIY projects in my status updates.
"Luke, I am your father." - Darth Vader, after he found out Luke has money.
See how everyone forgot... The comet that will be here on December 25th, is just one of Santa's Reindeers
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
I'm high on life! And pot. Well...mostly pot. But I love life! Probably because of pot.
I've got two chickens to paralyze!!! - Eddie Money
Headline in the paper: "Woman beats off rapist!" Well, that was probably a fair trade anyway.
A Democrat was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She said 'go ahead ask me, I know'em all.' Her friend said "ok what's the capital of Wisconsin?' She said 'Oh that's an easy one....it's "W"
We all at one time or another, were the Gods of Sea Monkeys...
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while you are waiting.
Imagine the sheer horror in kid's face when you tell the "When I was born there was no internet".
Where are you going on Thanksgiving? Also, where do you keep your valuables?
I'm just a girl. A girl who is standing before a man who is standing before another woman in front of another man at Taco Bell.
My old VHS s ex tape is probably at some garage sale somewhere labeled "Crocodile Dundee II"
It would be a good day if one could afford to even shoot their Ak ;)
More often than not sadly... The three phases of love: 1.XOXO 2. XXX 3.EX
If I wasn't married, a twelve pack of toilet paper would last me three years.
How come there's never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you've put the body in?
I don't get why women panic over taking pregnancy tests. I would've jumped at the chance of peeing on all my tests when I was in school 