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And so my friends, this week rings in the 2013 holiday season. Everyone can now begin the time tested, seasonal tradition of turning into complete lunatics. 
I remember the first time a friend said he was going to introduce me to a "dog person." I was bummed at the way it turned out.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
I forgot my sweater today and now everyone can see how cold I am.
Thanksgiving is almost here.Dont forget to stock up your medicine cabinet with marbles, for all your sneaky relatives.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn't mean the camera they found is mine
I see your confidence and wit and raise you the skirt I have on.
I have a non-profit business. It's not a charity, I'm just really bad with finances.
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
She's a pig in the streets, but bacon in the sheets.
My husband is going out to play poker tonight. I think he's tired of gambling on getting laid at home and losing.
90% of pregnancies result from a sexual encounter where the woman did not even climax.
I watched the Wizard of Oz last night and all I could think of was "so a house fell on your sister and all you care about are her shoes?".....Women
I love following women who write inspirational tweets because, you know...chubby girls.
Guns don’t kill people, George Zimmerman kills people!
I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
In my will I am leaving everything to the imagination.
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.
I’m not being unreasonable am I? My wife has so many shoes the bedroom looks like the outside of a mosque.
In further keeping with the new American tradition of ruining holidays by starting them early and hurrying them along...I put up all my Christmas decorations yesterday, and took them back down this morning. 