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Sometimes I think I’m too picky, then I watch my dog look for a place to poop. 
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it.
Tweaked my neck sleeping and threw my back out sneezing. I’m probably one strong fart away from complete paralysis.
Nightmares are just free horror movies that you produce, direct, and star in.
Cinderella must have had some strange feet if her slipper didn’t fit anyone else in town.
Brain: I can see you’re trying to sleep; can I offer a selection of your worst memories?
Updating my dating profile…. My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
came home the other night, my wife was standing there in the bedroom. She walked over & said "Take off my shirt" I did. She said "take off my bra" I did. Then she leaned over & said in my ear "Please stop wearing my clothes
When I'm on my death bed I want my last words to be .... " I left one million dollars in the"................
Its so damn hot today that I just saw a group of Amish women wearing daisy duke shorts!
Its so hot, I just saw a bum with a sign that said "Will work for shade
Why is it that in womens feminine product commercials they're always laughing and dancing? Shouldn't they be reving chainsaws & burning sh** down?
It was so hot in our apartment last night, to cool off I slept on my air hockey table."
No matter how old I am, when I am eating a bag of Bugles, I will never be mature enough to not put them on my fingertips and make claws.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
When you put 30 dollars in the tank and the gas light is still on.
Sometimes I make posts set to “only me.” That stuff is between me and the Feds.
The guy ahead of me bought 20 dollars worth on pump 3. Where was he going, to pump 4?
Don’t be sad that your flight has a 7 hour delay, be grateful for your 30 dollar 2 inch sub sandwich. 