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Math question: There are 36 Oreos in a 14.3oz package. If Mike eats 3 of those cookies, how many minutes before he's like screw it and eats the rest? 
"Don't MAKE me turn this beat around!" — Gloria Estefan yelling at her kids
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you're hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Accidentally used the dog's shampoo and my hair is super shiny but the neighbors won't like what I just did on their lawn.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
I very rarely piss people off but when I do it's usually loud and spectacular
Yes I am a fan , a huge fan of inappropriate behavior.
What do normal people do with their time?
Sorry for drunk texting last night. And this morning. And right now.
The dress was white and gold until it decided to go on a date with Chris Brown.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
The best way to solve your relationship problems is to post about them on the internet and let your friends solve them for you.
A friend of mine drinks their coffee so black, it shot at him. . .
Ronda Rousey raped me, ok it wasn't rape, I enjoyed it. . .
My dog says that dress is grey.
Hi, I hate Rob Lowe, I think about kicking his a$$ every time I see his stupid commercial. . .
Beginning of relationship- 1) Don’t ever change. 2) You have to change. 3) You’ve changed. -End of relationship-
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
Devil with the blue dress on...oh wait is that a Gold dress. Well, either way .....the prince of darkness is a cross-dresser.
I hear Black Sabbath and Blue Oyster Cult are planning a reunion. They're going to call it the White and Gold Tour. 