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Why is it parents these days are more afraid of gluten than they are of vaccinations? 
Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 32, looking for some action!” I sent her my ironing, that’ll keep the b****h busy.
don't worry when you see your ex with someone else, because your parents taught you to give your old toys to the less fortunate
X says “B*tch don't kill my vibe” – me every time I see a post about that dress or the black coffee jokes.
I wonder if every country has ninjas, but we only know about the Japanese ones because they suck at it?
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
[Astronomy class] The next star after our sun is Proxima Centauri, at 4.2 light-years away. [Silence] Or 12 CVS reciepts away. [Class] OHHHHHH
A little help here... Preparing for my rap battle. So far I have "I'm rubber you're glue" and a touchdown endzone dance.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this bowl of cereal.
Thank GOD everyone agrees on what color traffic lights are!
Happy birthday to Justin Bieber. Yesterday he turned 21, which means he can be tried as an adult.
I was taught to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you've been mean to someone, they wouldn't believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it's time to stop being nice.. then destroy them.
Vodka and denial is still cheaper than therapy
Apparently licking a spilled vodka on a conference room table is frown upon.
I don't wanna make this weird but that's just kinda how I do things.
How many times can you say "aight" before you can consider the job interview bombed.
Patience, I'm being creepy as fast as I can.
I don't understand why guys are always wanting their girl to make them a sandwich after sex.... I'd just be happy if they gave me my money back.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.
Swift Justice is just like regular Justice except it will write a song about you when you break up. 