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A selfie stick should be called a narcissistick. 
The Wizard Of OZ is 74 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no heart and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz, she would be in congress!! 😂😆😀
Counselor: 'Don't you think you've got a drinking problem?' Me: ¡No way, Jose Cuervo!
Couldn't stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness. Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.
So now people are purposely sucking on cups to enlarge their lips. What more is the apocalypse waiting for?
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you're here on Facebook?
It's like my kids don't even believe how cool I was in the 90s.
Technically, I don't have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I'm not doing anything.
Don't let anyone use Earth Day as an excuse to peer pressure you into going outside. Your couch and your bed are both located on Earth too.
I like confusing kids by telling them I'm older than the internet
Ice cubes just get in the way when your drinking becomes serious.
Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Please leave a message that I'll ignore until you text me like a normal person. Thanks
Stoner dudette, those were days ago
If you're thinking of hanging out with your ex, jerk off first and see how you feel after that.
Saw a huge spider the size of a walnut while I was taking a shower so I pulled off the curtain rod & pole vaulted myself into the hallway.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
I'm no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!
You'd think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I've been drinking.
I don't get it. I've been thinking a lot about eating less and exercising more, yet somehow I still gain weight. 