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The only time your woman screams your nam ein bed is when you fart in your sleep. 
Two year olds today can unlock an iphone, open and close apps all by themselves... When I was that age, I was eating dirt
Seeing eye Pit Bulls. They're for rough neighborhoods.
Everyone on my Facebook is going for Mayweather or pacquiao, I'm going for the Baltimore mom!
In 40 years we will think of words like "swag" "cray" and "totes" like we do now with "golly" "darn tootin" and "gee whiz."
Although no words have been spoken, I'm pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.
Hey Baltimore, eat a Snickers. You get all Ferguson when you're hungry.
"He has it all and doesn't even realize it", I whisper, glaring at the guy working at Dunkin Donuts.
My phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian and that, people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.
Obama did not get Osama, the CIA and NavySeals did. That's all you got? FAIL!
Libraries are a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk.
I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an “I Heart Murder” t-shirt before I’d pick up a call from a blocked number.
And that concludes the end of the presentation. Any questions? "Um yes. Hi. Since I stayed awake the whole time can I have a raise?"
My superpower is saying "you too" after the waitress giving me my food says "enjoy your meal."
france, you couldn't b more a dįčk. Banning little girls from school for dressing modest. There is a special place in hêl1 for you
If I was an Italian comedian, I'd change my name to Bada Bing.
If I was rich and Asian, there's a 100% chance I'd change my name to Cha Ching.
I just checked my wife's pulse. She's still crazy.
When my son was a teen and bragged how he came out of his mother, I reminded him that he came out of me first.
[on a first date]... Me: So do you like puppies?... Her: Oh I love them... Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies... Waiter: Excellent choice, sir 