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Not many people know this but the work "Karate" is an old Chinese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball" 
Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I'm never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Some of my best wishes have come true by throwing people down a well.
Women with horses are just crazy cat ladies, but richer.
She sells sea shells down by the sea shore. She is broke AF.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs: Are your drugs missing?
My house was once haunted by a poltergeist so I walked around naked for a week and it never came back...
You guys wanna know why my wife and I have such a great relationship? Its because I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.
Stop planking gramma, that's not even a thing anymore. .....Gramma????
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
Hey girls at the gym, no need for the makeup and hair do's. He's not looking at your face.
My fair godmother looks an aweful lot like a bartender.
BJ's, because sometimes its easier than cooking dinner.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so I ate 4 of them.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.
For every illegal that crosses, we send 2 nigs back. Mexico will build their own wall in about 2 weeks.
The secret to a happy marriage is knowing how to strategically hide the empties in the trash can so they have no idea how much you drank last night.
My mom always told me television would rot my brain. But if it wasn't for commercials, I wouldn't know that 4X4 = truck.
[sitting at table] Wife: writes number on pice of paper and slides it across. Me: Crosses out and writes new number *thermostat negotiations* 