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"Sealed for your protection!" Should actually read, "Sealed to make your life difficult!" 
By law We should be allowed to run over one cyclist a month..
Science Fun Fact: It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light or get higher than Snoop Dogg.
Maury would be out of business had the polygraph never been invented.
Asked my 4 if she'd like to take karate. She said she already does karate... *A smart person would have realized a demonstration was coming.
Hi. I am the only Caucasian on the planet that doesn't care about Game of Thrones or how many Emmy nominations it has.
I believe that society is ready for a return to dueling.
By the 5th kid, you allow stuff like wearing swim goggles all day
DOG MAGICIAN: Think of a color, any color...is it...gray?...... AUDIENCE OF DOGS: Oh, my god,,, How does he do it??
Life? Listen to me, kid... You only have to watch River Monsters once,, for your Netflix recommendations to be in shambles
If only we cared for African humans as much as we cared for African lions.
Due to Tom Brady the Green Bay Packers are no longer the most hated team.
If by big game hunter you mean "someone trying to find single game tickets to his favorite football team" then yes, I'm a big game hunter...
*Dogs on coffee break... Comic Dog: Want to hear a joke?.. Other dogs: Okay... Comic Dog: Knock Kno.... *Other dogs ALL GO NUTS !
Crabs can't eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
One day the mail man is going to murder my family and the dog is going to be like, "Haha... who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?"
Girl at party: "So, where is your significant other". Me: "In the car charging"
My boyfriend asked me to act like a 'naughty school girl' so I forged him a note from my mom saying I don't have to participate.
4 out of 5 densits agree that shooting a lion is bad for the long term health of your business. 