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Fun party hosting tip: Put dozens of extra coats on the bed. When guests ask where everyone else is, laugh maniacally & change the subject. 
Don't ever Under any circumstance Call me by my Government name in public.
i'm so unlucky,,, if I fell in a bucket of t!t'$ ,,,, i'd come out sucking my thumb!
Marry a woman who can cook. Anyone can scr3w but a good cook is hard to find.
What you never hear if you live in Santa Clarita.."I'll be back in a few minutes"
My GPS says "Estimated time of Arrival." I see "Time to Beat." Game on.
POF should change its name to POS
Relationship status: wakes up next to an empty bottle of vodka.
I'm just looking for a little love and financial domination. Is that too much to ask?
Back in the day 8 bullets couldn't kill a brotha ... Now it takes 16... #thanks50cents
Just landed my dream job of "before" picture!!!
Women are always right...even the left handed ones.
When people ask why do I NEED a 30-round magazine for my gun, I say "Why did Rosa Parks NEED to sit at the front of the bus?" Because she had a right to do so. That's why.
Someone needs to invent a filter that blocks ALL content if it contains certain words: my three words would be: Kardashian, candidate, Bieber.
The "Reply All" button should be password protected...and you should have to answer a simple math question...and be required to name the Vice President. There...THAT should solve THAT problem.
Kanye and Kim's kid will be 1/2 huge a$$, and 1/2 huge a$$.
Hey kids, know what's harder than graduating from college? Busting your a$$ for $hit wages the rest of your life...
Have as much sex as possible while you're still single. You can abstain when you get married.
Nothing says I hate you like giving someone a selfie stick as a birthday present.
I would not even buy my worst enemy a selfie stick for christmas present. I am not that cold. 