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Woooooo whoooo!! Just got an email from mark zuckerberg's secratarty stating that I just won 4.5mill all they need is 3k from me to release the funds, just sent them my banking info , Aruba here I come!!! suckkkerrsss!! 
It's hard to believe in evolution, when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I dream of a Kardashian-free 2016.
MY GOAL FOR 2016 IS JUST DO LIFE BETTER!
athiests are awful quite Xmas morning
Almost time for "New year the new me, 2016 is mine bull$hit. Your life sucked last year and it will suck again in 2016
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus; then I saw her helping him empty his sack.
Santa came down the chimney, at half past three. W
As much as Santa came last night I bet he will sleep for a week
Ralphie looking at leg lamp:[narrating as Adult] "Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window."
Your mum is gonna do that thing your daddy likes tonight because it's a holiday. Food for thought.
If anyone needs help eating those cookies. Let me know.
Sometimes you just have to let the anger guide you.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
What kind of loser good for nothing idiot supports Hillary Clinton anyway?
My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for new underwear.
Spice things up during family dinners this holiday season by slamming your wine glass down and demanding "What do you people want from me!?"
Last time I got dumped I went to some random funeral to cry my heart out.
As uncomfortable as silence immediately after sex.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama. 