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We just bought a parrot. Named it Marco Rubio. 
I need to lose 20 pounds, make $30,000 and sleep for 4 days all before tomorrow.
Only 3 types of people tell the truth: Kids, drunk people, and anyone who is pissed the f*ck off.
Carolina's goin' down like a Two-Dollar Ho.
Shoot!!! I didn't know February 6th was National Lame Duck Day.
If women wrote Valentines Candy Hearts: "Not 2nite", "Did you fart?", "Pick up your socks", "R you listening", "Oh, and another thing", and "U snore".
Although the American founding fathers were pictured as old men many were young during their historic roles in 1776. Alexander Hamilton was 21, James Madison 25, James Monroe 18, and Thamas Jefferson was 33!!! Gee, what have I accomplished at those ages?
Annoyed kitty, touchy kitty, grouchy ball of fur. Moody kitty, grumpy kitty, grrr, grrr, grrr....
Valentines Day: A woman is sitting at home with her husband and says, "I love you." He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?" She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."
"What?!?! You mean to tell me spoons don't actually sound like airplanes?" --Babies
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
❤ I loved Chris Martin, Bruno Mars and Beyoncé singing "We gotta get it together right now," which pretty much summarizes the Panthers offense...
Love me like Oprah loves bread!
how can Ted Cruz be elected to a job as a law maker when he can't read & understand the law ghat says you have to be born in the US to become President?
"Don't be shy, send that 12th unanswered text." --Tequila
A good business idea: Open a Pho restaurant that never closes, calling it Twenty Pho Seven.
If someone ever tells you that you're putting too much peanut butter on your bread, stop talking to them. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.
Always be yourself. Except during job interviews, the first few months of a relationship, or any type of social interaction.
Yesterday I really wanted a burrito. Today I am eating a burrito. Follow your f*cking dreams.
Superbowl Party Eating Tip: Your pants won't get too tight if you don't wear any. 