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My Guardian Angel be like "I'm gonna lose my job and end up in hell with this mother f*cker..." 
Look on the bright side insomniacs, at least your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Fall in love with someone who makes you laugh or you're be really bored when you're 80 years old, with a broken hip, and sex is impossible.
I am sorry that I have not matured past the point of making everything into sexual innuendo. ...It's just really hard.
That weird moment when you're at a friend's house and they're getting yelled at, so you just stand there and pet the dog....
If you think there's nothing better than sex, you've never had a cop turn on their lights behind you then pull over someone else.
Have you ever gotten so bored at work that you just started actually doing your job?
Women with large breasts are generally more successful than men with large breasts.
Turns out an At Home DNA test is not a good baby shower gift.
Dear GoFundMe, please allow us to raise money to pay someone to punch Kanye square in the face.
F*ck the zombie apocalypse, it's never going to happen. Worry about the f*cktard apocalypse, it's already upon us.
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was just actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
Why is it....Biggie and Tupac get gunned down but nobody will shoot Kanye West.
I'm beginning to understand why Syria, Raqqa 5-Star Al-Aladin VIP vacation packages are being steeply discounted....
This treadmill has no room for my milkshake or my pizza .. Lame design
You know you've reached adulthood when you pause sex when the dryer buzzes...
I've had relationships that didn't last as long as The Undertakers entrance
May everything you want this weekend be within the reach of the couch.
We are the granddaughters of the witches you weren't able to burn.
If I'm a sarcastic a$$hole when I talk to you it's either because I really like you and feel comfortable teasing you, or I really hate you and don't care if you know it. Good luck figuring out which one.... 