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As a little joke I put glitter in my tax-return envelope and the IRS responded with a little joke that I owe $ 11,000 in back taxes. 
SON: There's a monster under my bed... ME: That's monsters' name is Mark, he lives there now... SON: Wha????... ME: times are tough, we need the cash... MARK: I'm trying to sleep
My engine brings all the mechanics to the yard,,, and I'm like, You better fix cars...
When I see rich, snooty looking women at the grocery store, I pretend to need something, and say, "Excuse me, do you work here?" just to keep things real.
I know being single on Valentines Day can suck, but it's so much better than dating some idiot.
Press 1 for English.....Who do I get? A Filipino speaking broken English....Sheesh! Hang up, try again.
We should make politicians wear shock collars that go off each time they lie.
Do I have a date for Valentine's day? Yes, It's February 14th!
My morning routine includes 20 minutes of sitting on my bed and thinking about how tired I am.
Hillary's campaign manager: "Try being less of a c*nt..."
Kill Whitey - Beyonce probably
I don't feel like doing anything today and I hope I can muster enough energy to do that.
If I know one thing, I certainly don't know what it is.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don't get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
But seriously, how do I get one million dollars and a flat stomach by tomorrow?
I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong. Like that one time I got married....
Some days, I can conquer the world. Other days, it takes me three hours to convince myself to shower.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1:00 pm and 2017.
I got so high once that I had to turn down the tv because I couldn't taste my grilled cheese.
Whenever I go running, I meet exciting new people....like paramedics. 