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The two best days of my life: The day I got married and the day my divorce was final. 
A shout out to hotel maids who have to change the sheets on February 15th.
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
Here's to our wives and sweethearts.... and may they never meet.
Never fry bacon while naked.
A new U.S. political television ad from Marco Rubio touts 'Morning in America,' but the opening skyline is unmistakably Vancouver, Canada.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they're usually too busy working.
I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic....I'm spiritual.
Thanks for being the kind of friend who will laugh during the eulogy at my funeral because you knew the real story.
Don't be a twatsicle.
I'm the type of girl, who can watch tons of horror movies without getting scared, but screams at the top of my lungs when the waffle pops out of the toaster.
today boring you? Go outside and lick a strangers face....that should spice things up a bit.
Camping is the answer. Who cares what the question is.
I wonder how people used to receive their blessings before Facebook was invented for them to type AMEN and I RECEIVE
A hangover is just your body reminding you that you're an idiot.
Never ever trust a person who doesn't like dogs.
A major shout out to hotel maids and maintenance people on February 15th.
Lunch 11:35 This bible verse always keeps me going....
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy you a penguin. Have you ever seen a sad person who owns a penguin?
Sesame Street: Say, Ernie, would you like some ice cream? Sherbert. 