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As I admired my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I'm going to get kicked out of this Home Depot any minute now." 
Just read that serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer's house is for sale and no one is interested. I get it though, no one wants to live in Ohio.
Pro Tip: You're not truly a parent until you've given your child the middle finger behind their back while mouthing, "F*ck you!"
Don't forget this one thing folks, tonight the Moon will be visible from Earth. The last time this happened was last night.
There's always a guy in all coffee shops sitting at a table, not on his iPhone, not on a laptop, not even on an iPad, he's just drinking coffee, like a psychopathic murderer. Don't forget to say "Hi" y'all!!!
Cinnamon flavored whiskey...is that what the junior high girls are drinking these days?
Fuller House is a wonderful show, let's hope Netflix comes out with another one called Married With Grandchildren.
I'm so old...I remember when vodka only came in vodka flavor!
"PROVE IT!!" I yell from the back of the church.
So don't come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don't come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
It started out innocent enough. - Whiskey
I can't wait till St.Patricks Day....!!! The one day a year I can eat lucky charms dowsed in green beer for breakfast and my wife can't say crap.....
Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Folks, if your feet look like you've been playing soccer with a pineapple, do not wear flip-flops out in public.
Perhaps it's about time to ask Bernie Sanders what American life was really like back in 1776.
College goes 0-100 real quick. You'll go from chilling for four weeks to having 3 tests, 5 quizzes, 4 speeches, and 7 papers due in 2 days.
When you save a beautiful sexy woman from a house fire and she says "Sorry I have a boyfriend."
Life is like soccer because my Mom signed me up for it and expects me to try my best even though I absolutely hate f*cking soccer.
Older people who have sex on a regular basis may have a better chance at avoiding dementia. But there's no such luck for anyone who happens to walk in on them.
Kim Kardashian twieeted a nude selfie yesterday. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we've never seen, she's gonna have to swallow the camera. 