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If Hillary Clinton wins, I'm getting Rosetta Stone and sending El Chapo my resume. 
Dr. Ben Carson: no wins, 2nds, 3rds or even 4ths. Dr. Ben, maybe you should think about...Dr. Ben? Dr. BEN!! All right, I'll come back later.
Last night I lost my mood ring....I'm not sure how I feel about that.
that a bottle of Prozac in your pocket or are you just sad to see me?
Get laser hair removal they said, the technician won't torch your grundle they said.
My voting ballot is just an adult coloring book.
If I were to illegally download a film in Jamaica, would I be a Pirate of the Caribbean?
"What kind of a sick freak would have a painting of a postman being sodomised by a donkey?"... "That's a Rorschach ink blot test.".... "Ummm, a what?"
This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me Today.. "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm not looking for a relationship right now."
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
My new wife earned a thunderous round of applause at the reception when she described her wedding vows as "taking one for the team"
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....
So far in this election cycle,,, If Aliens ARE watching us,, it's safe to say they think we are retarded.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?
I'm tired of forced interactions and unnecessary communications, just saying!
Once upon a time there were three little pigs at a pig roast, end of story. . .
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is he says I'm healthy as a horse. The bad news is that he keeps using large farm animals to describe me.
Lesser men would have given up after twenty years of outrageous fame and fortune, but Leo persevered, and now he has a small trophy.
It's time to do what I do best... *cracks a beer*
I have a great idea for improving Coldplay concerts. Stop the show halfway through and feature a 15 minute football game. 