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Forget dancing like no one is watching. Dance like a toddler. They don't even care if there's music.... 
If Bruce Jenner can win Woman of the Year, I see no reason why Sarah Jessica Parker can't win the Kentucky Derby. Giddy up!!!
Some girls: "I hangout with guys, there's less drama." Guys: "I hangout with myself watching sports or Netflix. There's no drama and I don't have to wear pants."
Where was this Mitt Romney during the last general election? Had he been like this he would be running for re-election this time
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations for this Presdential election.
Protip: Never mess with a man who leaves foam in a urinal.
Can someone please post a picture of your breakfast for me.. to encourage me to get to make my own. . .
I imagine that fish that are caught and released are the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
..... I used to laugh when somebody told me what the origin of the KKK was ..... until I actually looked it up. Turns out they were right .....
A world is supported by four things ... thelearning of the wise, the justice of the great, the prayers of the righteous and the valor of the brave. But all of these are as nothing ... without a ruler who knows the art of ruling.
Picking a president to vote for this term is like picking the STD that I would be the most okay with having
Let's face it America, Bernie is an angry, wrinkly old man who wears wrinkled old suits.
If Making a Murderer is a documentary, why was the second season confirmed?
Paging Dr. Ben Carson? Dr. Ben Carson? Please come quickly as your campaign is on life support.
To win more votes, Rubio should be driving around in a pickup truck.
America, you might call this a presidential election, but the rest of the world is viewing it as your IQ test. And it's not looking good....
Destiny was never given to us, we chose our own...
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around...hang on...if there are 99, why can't I have my own?
I decided to nickname my bathroom the Jim instead of the John. That way I can tell everyone that the first thing I do when I wake up every morning is go to the Jim. 