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Not too impressed with this years selection of Presidential nominees so I've decided to vote for one of the Mario Brothers, haven't decided which one, .... But I figure either of them are just as qualified, if not more, to fix things as the nominees. 
If I can hear you chew, just thought you should know that I have fantasized about your death.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm "NO."
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my cat's paw and she pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
You don't know what you have until it's gone. For example, toilet paper.
As is evidenced by the primaries, Americans are either dumb or dumber
I never want to go bungie jumping. Broken rubber brought me into this world, and I don't want to give it a chance to take me out.
I don't take selfies too frequently because I'm not a baby dolphin killer
We must take this country BACK to make it great again. Mill jobs for children! Full-body wool swimsuits for women! Tuberculosis for all!
"As you get closer to the primary's reality has a way of intruding!" President Obama.
My wife texted me that she was not wearing any underwear. When I got home she was mad at me because I hadn't done the laundry in two weeks.
Maybe this comment wont be important for you guys here. Some of you will ignore it, most of yall wont bother to read and it'll go unnoticed along with some others. maybe I'll be criticized for this but I just want to let yall know I'm selling potatoes
dear america, this years election is your IQ test. Right now it doesnt look good ... -the world
We are about two elections away from deciding President by monster truck rally or burping contest.
..... Apparently Ben Carson did the best in tonight's Debate ....
Leonardo DiCaprio grows a beard ... wins an Oscar. Apparently it makes a difference.
..... I Dunno about Grizzlies Mr. Obama .... But I'm pretty sure Black Bears Matter ....
She wants to go steady she says, it will be great she said. Until she said, tell me your pass words. Over my dead body I said. . .
Oscars so white, no fried chicken on the menu.
I certainly hope the douche who stole my credit card enjoys his $14.03 shopping spree. 