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Parking spaces for turtles these days, give me a break. 
Just got carded at the liquor store. Set my keys down to get my ID and the guys says "Never mind, that Blockbuster card is good enough for me".
Losing my mind wasn't enough? Gotta lose weight too?
come2 the j.oke.ca.fe for way better stuff
8yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?... Me: What's wrong with the one we live in?.. 8yo: WHAT !?!... Me: Goodnight, son.
Its amazing how those that do the least to fix the problem complain the loudest.
Sometimes a Reuben at Arby's is how you celebrate St Patrick's Day.
If there's a Joe Smoe from Idaho. He must be pi$$ed off !
How long is sexual healing supposed to take because I came in this one three times and she's still in a coma.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
Female president? Maybe when they rename it the Oval Kitchen.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
In the future, imagine how many Go-Pros will be found buried under snow in the mountains containing the last moments of people's lives...
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you...
I can cope with voices in my head but it is the voices outside my head that are going to drive me crazy.
People ask me why I don’t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Nice try, St. Patrick’s Day, but I don’t need a reason to drink.
Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% battery remaining. 