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There are successful cliff divers.... and there's stuff on a rock. 
A stripper quit her job. She was tired of the same old thong and dance.
3 AM Phone Call: Hey are you asleep? – No, I was in coma thank you for rescuing me!!!
Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.
My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues, perhaps it's time to install that security alarm.
Always listen to your imaginary friend when they say you need a therapist.
I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
Here let me drop whats important to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs, Kim Kardashian.
Expect nothing and you’ll never be dissapointed!!! Yeah I am talking about you, Bernie Sanders supporters.
If Dr. Ben Carson wrote down every single thought he ever had he would get an award for the shortest story ever.
Look at you your in perfect shape……………for a circle.
You’d be in good shape.…if you ran as much as your mouth.
If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, its because you’re both heading in the same direction.
Well my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems....
You Go Girl!!! And don’t come back.
I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
Facebook is telling me to "reconnect" with my brother...hmmm, I see him everyday.
Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really....
Avoid arguments about the toilet seat....use the sink.... 