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My philosophy is if you haven't used something in over a year you should just throw it away, which is why my genitals are in the garbage 
When I lose a sock in the wash, I'll usually pour a little detergent out on the floor out of respect.
I put my phone in Airplane mode and now Leslie Nielsen won't leave until I promise to stop calling him Shirley
You know when you meet someone and you just know their phone screen is cracked without even seeing it?
Hey dude, Did you know your refrigerator running?... Yeah,, Because I don't like any of the current presidential candidates
President Kennedy put a man on the moon and President Obama put a man in the ladies bathroom.
"DADDY NO!!! THE FLOOR IS LAVA!" ... *maintains eye contact.. *slides off couch onto floor.. *rolls around
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Its super weird touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you're eating his popcorn.
Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert.
Current Relationship Status: My girlfriend takes more selfies with the cat than with me.
Late Night Ponderings: I always wonder what the nurses reaction would be like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you'll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
If you leave a bottle of Ritalin inside a Ford Fiesta it will become a Ford Focus.
The very best time to re-examine your life is after you’ve had too much to drink on Memorial Day long weekend.
And all the girls say I'm pretty fly for a white guy. Alright, some of the girls. Fine, one of the girls. It's my mom. My mom says I'm fly.
Pro Tip: 63% of time spent being an adult over 40 is just waiting for a pill to kick in.
Memorial Day Shopping: Just put some Rainier Cherries on lay-away at Whole Foods.
99 decorative pillows on the bed, 99 decorative pillows, Take 1 down put it on the ground, No that's not where decorative pillows go, you idiot!!!!
It's never too early to get life size cardboard cuts-outs of yourself made up for this year's Christmas presents. 