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My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days..... 
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Hallmark has birthday cards out already, and it's not anywhere near my birthday.
I don't need fun to have alcohol.
I'm just looking forward to the day when my kids are no longer teenagers and I'm not an idiot anymore.
I just want to be rich enough that I can buy my furniture already assembled.
Businesses be like: Buy one get one free if you pay double for the first one.
If the primary job of the President is to Preserve, Protect and Defend the Constitution of the United States, I wonder which one of the candidates would best be able to fulfill that primary duty?
You have a better chance of running into a Bigfoot than an honest Politician!
I had 2 Justin Bieber tickets on the front seat of my car, some jacka$$ smashed my window and left 4 more
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going "uhuh uhuh...One two one two...Let's do this..." No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
How does a man like Bill O'Reilly have such an intelligent vocabulary?
Jesus was an American, a Republican American.
For some reason the electric wire on top of a 6.5 foot fence enclosing our condo actually makes me feel less safe.
I can barely commit to peeling an entire orange, how am I supposed to commit to my future?
I am not okay with the word 'lotion' since seeing Silence of the Lambs.
When I have a family-sized bag of chips I think to myself, 'these chips are the only family I need.' Then I proceed to eat the whole bag.
Biker gangs are silly to me. What do they do when they get to their destination? Do they all have lunch together? Do they have a destination?
Oh THAT'S how you put on a seatbelt, thanks Southwest Airlines!!!
Bread with peanut butter for breakfast, because who has time for toast. 