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Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he's expecting a very important call from someone in 1994. 
Olive Garden didn't treat me like family. If they did they would've blown cigarette smoke in my face and told me what a disappointment I am.
Pitching a marriage game show called ""Fine or Not Fine?"
My 401k is whatever’s left on this Starbucks gift card.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
To be honest, I thought all this was a dream, so I stopped paying my bills a year ago.
She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that's like telling a samurai not to use his sword.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I'll be able to do karate if I'm ever in a fight.
90% of this vacation is just me staring down seagulls over a plate of food.
Computer glitch at LAX causes passenger to catch flight quickly & unmolested....
I passed a heart stress test today when I noticed a spider crawling up my shoulder.
When it comes to self-absorption, you’re like a sponge.
Thanks to you gender benders, now my kid thinks that women give birth to girls and men give birth to boys.
The sworn responsibility of the President of the United States is to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. Question: When was the last time you heard any of the candidates even mention the Constitution?
.... In today's world "Common Sense" has become so rare it's now considered a Super Power.
The first rule of the Pizza Club is there are no rules. I mean pineapple, there is no pineapple.
Muhammad Ali did not kill that gorilla's toddler just so you can make jokes on Facebook
Maybe it's not alcoholism. Maybe it's just stress intervention.
Wal-mart closing 269 stores in 2016, putting 16 cashiers out of work
Egyptian Pharaoh King Tutankhamun was found buried with a dagger made from a meteorite, so hopefully my request of being buried with my cell phone will be accepted. 