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My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf. 
Always wear sunglasses at the poker table so people can't see me crying.
Set the tone for the day by getting out of bed and stumbling directly into a wall.
You know what this clogged toilet needs? More toilet paper! Kid logic.
I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal.
When I want the entire beach to myself on Father's Day, I wear a Speedo.
You're a living oxymoron if you get distracted while driving a Ford Focus.
My Mom always told me to dress as if I'm gay, which I guess makes sense since my clothes came out of the closet.
Contrary to rumors, a full moon before the summer solstice is not bad news. Unless you're a werewolf who likes to go to the beach.
The best things in life are free drugs.
The guys from Insane Clown Posse originally started rapping while working their way through clown community college.
Only while camping can you pee in the middle of the night while staring into the eyes of a bear.
Pro Tip: A box of donuts placed on top of the mailbox will keep the police from breaking up your party.
Happy Father's Day to all the real Dad's.... Sit down deadbeats we celebrate you on April Fool's Day...
Why didn't the gay cop from "The Village People" save the day in that Orlando club?
I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal
Life is not a fairy tale guys........if you lose a shoe by midnight your drunk.
The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.
Being clean and sober means i've showered and am heading to the liquor store.
When does Red mean GO and Green means STOP?? Answer: when eating watermelon. 