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Just got up to go to the bathroom and realised I left my work ID swipe card in my jacket. Found the jacket, checked the pockets. Found it. Then realised I didn't need my swipe ID to use the bathroom AT MY HOUSE....😑 
Who says building a border wall won't work? The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans.
Should eat more fruit flavored things like blue raspberry slush. I've never even see a blue raspberry because they are very rare.
The weather today was good enough for me to feel ashamed about my body.
Here's to Obama's trip to Dallas. May it go as well as JFK's
Haven't played Pokemon Go so I couldn't be part of any conversations at work today.
The Ghostbusters reboot has ruined more childhoods than the Catholic Church.
America, we can't even put the grocery carts in the corral how the hell do we think we can elect the right person.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
You know you're old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
Flipping past the Bachelorette and immediately was texted by CVS letting me know my Valtrex prescription was filled.
Bernie Sanders endorcing Hillary Clinton feels so much like when the girl you love starts dating the guy you hate most.
Now I'm worried there's a Pokemon somewhere in my bedroom laughing at me naked.
Lies I've Told A Lot: I acknowledge that I have read and agree to the above terms and conditions.
I don't understand Pokemon Go AT ALL which I guess officially makes me middle-age.
I can't wait to see who wins the 100-Yard Dash From A Zika Mosquito in the Rio Olympics.
facebook doesn't allow breastfeeding photos
Wonder if it would become a national tragedy if a Pokemon Go Character appeared in the middle of a busy freeway?
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers!
Pres. Barack Obama arrives in Dallas where he is expected to deliver a highly personal and emotional speech at a memorial service for the 5 slain police officers. Obama will also find out who shot J.R. Ewing too. 