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Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by the way dogs react to him. For instance, if the police K9 is biting him, he may not be the one. 
Saw a homeless guy's sign that said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU." So l kept my dollar... just in case he's right
Nothing like a cross-dressing, h0m0, derivative, Spanish singing douche to perform at the SB halftime show
Yeah, yeah. I've heard of Bad Bunny. He snuck out of the rabbit hutch, broke into the hen house, and fu*ked all the chickens.
Telling me "Don't start" just gives me a thrill like I wasn't gonna start but now I'm definitely going to.
I share the same number of no f**ks given for Tyreek Hill as I did for George Floyd.
If you see me in public, it's AI.
Social Media. The place where imbeciles say they're imbeciles without actually saying they're imbeciles.
If it takes 2 to make a baby, how come only one gets to decide if it can be born.
Someone accused me of cheating at board games. I pretty sure they were just jealous I could win a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
Stop dating men who look like they'd steal the copper out of your IUD.
Now that I've gotten older, I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.
Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle- age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.
Halloween Tip: Before you say, "Great zombie costume!" make sure the person isn't just incredibly ugly.
Tip: If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was in the movies, don’t google ‘old man bond age’ (trust me).
Feeling like I have been eaten by a coyote and pooped off a cliff
When I was younger, 'potluck' meant you were able to score weed in less than 3 days.
Hey did you guys catch Jimmy Kimmel lastnight? Me either
People complain about gas prices but pay for gym memberships and don’t even go.
So, Howard Stern, Steven Colbert, and Jimmy Kimmel walk into a bar together. 